Friday, 29 June 2012

Chernobyl Diaries

Rating: ★★

Chernobyl Diaries is the first horror film during which I was completely on the side of the disfigured monsters because the human characters were so annoying, I actually wanted them to die.

Chernobyl for dummies 
A group of stupid tourists decide to go on a trip to the city surrounding the Chernobyl nuclear reactor, where all the buildings have been long since deserted after a terrible nuclear disaster. To me this sounds like the perfect premise for a horror film but sadly the premise is the only thing that's perfect about this film. It started to go downhill after the title sequence.

Abandoned for a reason
If you've never seen a horror before then you might enjoy Chernobyl Diaries. But if you have and you know what the typical elements of most horror movies are then you definitely won't. Because this movie uses them all. It really should have been called Scary Movie 5 because it felt like I was watching a spoof.

Don't go in there... really, don't
Chernobyl Diaries was so predictable that instead of feeling scared most of the time I just felt frustrated. In one scene the crazy tour guide, who got them lost in the first place, gets taken away by some kind of monster and the tourists decide to go into the weird cave to try and find him... Are you serious? The whole situation is his fault just please let him die! I was so frustrated with the whole film, most of the time I felt like shouting at the screen. Around every turn was another cliché. 

The number one most annoying character has to be Paul played by Jonathan Sadowski. His curiosity keeps on getting all the characters in situations, some of them even die thanks to him. By the end I really wanted him to get taken off by one of the monsters. I wouldn't have blamed the other characters if they had used him as bait.

Every woman for herself
The only character that I had any respect for was Amanda played by Devin Kelley. It is easy to tell she would outlive the other characters because she often ended up having to save her stupid friends and was genuinely very brave.  That's why the end of the film was annoyingly disappointing. The film had absolutely no pay off and left the whole audience feeling cheated - if you're crazy enough to go and see it you'll find out why.

Chernobyl Diaries is full to the brim with typical and really stupid plot devices. Their car breaks down so they can't get home. They can't walk home because one of the character's has hurt his leg. The radiation levels always get too high at the most inconvenient moments... The list goes on forever.

From singing to screaming 
Jesse McCartney takes a short break from being a has-been to appear in Chernobyl Diaries as Paul's brother, Chris (even the characters' names are uninventive). His acting, similar to everyone elses in the film, seems very self aware and over dramatic. Although none of the actors were helped by the horrendous script.

The film seems really short but I think that is because it took so long to get interesting. And by interesting I mean watchable.

Chernobyl Diaries was bad. Really bad. I really think everyone should see it, just so you can see how bad it is. The moral of the story is never go to Chernobyl because the radiation will cause you to suffer from terrible acting ability, irritable clichés and considerable loss of brain cells.

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